WHERE DOES SADNESS BEGIN OR END?
E have been away since thee start ov thee last week ov September. For various reasons, for example on a practical level E don't own a laptop for example and tend to stay at cheap hotels that dont have internet facilities and in this instance E was collaborating with Sleazy, and Chris and Cosey on a complicated event that always requires maximum concentration and minimal intrusion. Given thee tragic circumstances immediately preceeding our gathering I.T. was even more difficult to focus and maintain our poise and clarity. E, for myself, could not even begin to imagine thee sadness and loss that my dear friend Sleazy was going through. My heart was shocked into a strange stillness and E was truly lost for words that could do justice to his awful experience. Sleazy is family, and Geff was family too. Like all families we chose to grieve in private, trying to make sense ov thee finality ov mortality. Caring for those so deeply wounded that are left behind becoums thee most important task. As always, in thee way that L-if-E twists our loss with irony, Sleazy, and Geff's lover Ian, were compelled to deal with blood relatives, bureaucracy, informing thee public who cherished Geff's creativity in a decorus and gentle manner hardly getting a minute to even comprehend what had happened was real. Lady Jaye and my SELF, on behalf ov ouselves as Individuals, and for PTV3 as well remained in daily touch with Sleazy trying our best to add any heaqling thoughts and energies we could privately, as is appropriate. Sadly we were not able to go to thee memorial funeral but we sent Geff a special message and an ecessively large wreath ov white lilies in honour ov Geff's L-ov-E ov directed excess and delerium utikised to contact shamanic forces in his works.
E thought ov trying to write coumthing on thee website before we went to London to be with Sleazy, butter in all honesty E simply could not find words that were right. E was shocked and terribly sad, affected more deeply than E could have imagined, for there were many aspects ov Geff's way ov doing art and L-if-E that resonated within us both. E understand why he drove himself so hard, and felt coumpelled to break through further and deeper as much to give his discoveries to others as to inform his SELF. Usually so articulate, E was a silent tongue, and silence and contemplation ov thee awfulness ov death seemed right, and righteous.
Geff came to see me and interview me about TG for his school "fanzine" when he was 15 y-eras old. Bright, very shy, determined to becoum creativity, not just creative. As we became friends and he visited me more E inevitably introduced him to Sleazy. Thee resulting relationship and all its manifestations has becoum legendary in alternative circles. E am happy to have layed a part in that.
When RETG was postponed earlier this y-era we tried our best to give coumthing to thee fans who had bought tickets by inviting them to a live DVD recording at thee Astoria Theatre in London. Geff came. Dressed in striped "chain gang" long johns and sporting a very Edwardian bushy beard. He was in great form and spent all day and most ov that evening hanging out with both me and Lady Jaye. We laughed about our occasional disagreements about aesthetics and how people who dudn't know us were so serious and at times mean spirited in their misinterpretations ov our ideas and projects proclaiming themselves arbiters ov our opinions despite their ignorance ov any facts. Most ov all though, most ov all E am so blessed that my last memories ov Geff alive are ov him being happy to see me, and me him; ov his affection and love expressed so freely and his hilarious sense ov humour. E am so grateful that all my vivid memories are good ones, positive ones, cheerful and loving ones. Thank you Geff for thee compassion and chivalry ov your L-if-E.
There is, ov course a dark side to what happened. One reason it is so hard to write about what happened is that it presses you to address thee manner ov his passing. E will not dwell on that, except to suggest that too often a shamanic qartist, especially one channeling voices and gnostic ideas, can becoum thee self destructive entertainment ov a superficially informed public. Their pain being manipulated into a sacrifice by proxy. Thee public want to watch thee disaster unaware that thee horrors do not end when thee performer leaves thee stage. Geff performed as a conduit, a portal between worlds using delerium to open him SELF up to alien forces and frequencies. Thee toll this kind ov channeling takes is enormous and can create a maelstrom ov infinite emptiness. E see Geff in thee tragic lineage ov Jim Morrison, Brian Jones, Janis Joplin, Ian Curtis and others. It is so hard to avoid becouming thee train wreck that one knows an envious, fearful and adoring audience wishes to devour, safely without partaking ov risk, or solitary morbidity. Thee world ov music is truly, at times, a vicious circle. Too easily thee loving artist, so loves thee world, yet is victim ov an ultimately ccynical or ignorant world.
E believe Geff was at times a casualty ov wanting to please and awaken a public, a humanity that at his own physical expense. It seems in this society that trying to give to teach, to enhance perception is seen as weakness and programming by an ever more inert and brutal cukture. Hoonour is not honoured, integrity is exploited, vision is turned into graphics, sorrow for thee mortality ov us all is seen as stupidity, passion is feared, compassion is ridiculed and thee creative, thee voice ov its people, is sacrificed to mediocrity.
In thee end thee being that was Geff has left us and wills us to wake up and look for things we have in common not differences, for new ways, not old grudges, for visionary L-if-E not paultry death, and for union and courage not separation and fear.
E hope we will all will to honour his memory and intention.
These were some ov my private thoughts durung thee last 2 weeks or so. When we got to London, all four of us, thee members ov TG. Sleazy, Cosey, Chris and Genesis ( me) had all had thee same thought. Our grieving could remain private, but our celebration ov Geff's purpose and legacy could be a creative event. So we dedicated our last TG gig to Geff, and it seemed so appropriate. TG had been thee beginning ov his unique journey, and so TG would be, and was, thee ending also. E feel honoured to have been present at both momeants. Thank you Geff.
So...imagine my horror to coum home to read coum petty mealy mouthed rantings about how E was supposed to deal with my personal feekings about all this. People who know neither ov us, none ov us too caught up in their own momeant ov being a centre ov attention to even see E wasn't here. One smart cookie DID see Eddie had being doing his job by trying to put coumthing up on thee site AND satisfy those other people who coumplained all around Europe that they wanted more, MORE in thee webshop. Thee same equation. No matter how much you give, it's never enough, or what you give one person another resents. Thee loop that can destroy any sensitive sincere artist. E was ashamed to read coum ov thee adolescent postings on our comment section. What would Geff think? What will Sleazy think. E hope these mean spirited peoplke decide they like coumone else and go "love" them to distraction.
We want people who discuss IDEAS, ways to change behaviour, ways to help a self-respecting species evolve and survive. IDEAS, change, novelty. Lets here coumthing new and special. Entertain ME as much as E try to do for those ov you who truly care. E am so sad to see what a few people can emphasise to misrepresent all ov us who E truly believe do care and want to heal and assist evolution that is not destructive or cruel, or callous.
In thee end, how E feel. or felt about a person E care for passing-on is no any ov your business. It is a PRIVATE matter. E am not obliged to share everything E feel, or think. E choose to try and set up a dialogue to contact Individuals who truly wish to committ their L-if-E, ALL ov I.T. to becouming CREATION through creativity.
Geff aqrrived in my L-if-E truly prepared to surrender to CREATION. He is an example to us all ov what being TOPI, being a Godstar really might mean.
Genesis Breyer P-Orridge New York December 14th 2004
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