I have completed my activity in thee temple ov psychick youth. This document is a summary of the magickal work i have done. It is quite personal, and graphic. I have used the first letters of personal names -- other than that, this record is everything i have recorded.
I am publishing this for two reasons. First, because it is the final act of magickal Will to share these experiences and processes with whomever is interested. Second, it is an act of gratitude to those in this tribe who have shared their magickal experiences and sigils with me -- i wish to give the same gift to others.
Some people have cautioned me that publishing this material will open me to "magickal attack," and any number of other bad and difficult things. I do not believe this will be the case.
However, i will warn you that in this record you will encounter my sexuality, my desires, my violence. You will find explicit description of my magickal work within TOPY, including blood and sexual magick. If you choose to expose yourself to this, be certain you can own your own desires, and your own reactions to my magickal work.
Send e-mail to: Joe Banks
Joy be to you in the attainment ov your Will. Magick defends itself.
I am no longer Coyote 322. History
My involvement with thee Temple Ov Psychick Youth began in 1994 by reading various Broadcasts (pre-1990 Broadcasts) on a local occult BBS. Gradually, as i read more of the material, and recognized the email address of one of the participants as being from my area. After some communication with him, (during which time he corrected the impression i had that thee Temple was no more), i sigilized for the first time, and thereby became active.
During this period of time, my relationship with my wife (of one year) had become difficult -- i was frustrated at the difference in our sexual desire, and at the difference in our orientations towards life. I knew myself to be very sexual, very interest ed in pushing edges, very frustrated at having to behave "normally" in a relationship, whatever "normal" meant. Although i have since accepted responsibility for some genuinely unhealthy behavior on my part, i still feel that the relationship was not a g ood one for me. It ended in divorce three years after we married.
I found that the sigil of three fluids outlined in thee Grey book was very effective at focusing my will, and particularly so because Sex and Will were so absent from my relationship. After the first several sigils, i experienced an understanding of myse lf, as an angry, driven, sexual being, which i had been denying. The denial brought disasters, but accepting myself in this new light also brought disasters.
When thee Station moved from Southern California to the city i lived in, i became more actively involved in thee Temple, doing ritual a handful of times, and helping out a few times answering letters and filing sigils. Shortly after the 1996 campout, the TOPY community in my city fell apart, and though i didn't know exactly what had happened until later, i too, kept my distance. Thee Station moved to SoCal again shortly thereafter.
The summer of 1997, i went on thee Campout, with 6 other TOPI. The experience was somewhat disappointing -- while everyone seemed to desire to connect, to do magick, not much ritual happened, very little of what did happen was effective. I did make a co uple close connections with individuals, though, and was glad to be spending time with people who understood the language of magick and edges.
I have been sporadically active in sigilizing for the last 3 years, and sporadically active in contributing to thee Online email digest. Recently, i began to realize that the work i had begun when i first became active had completed itself, and that i no longer felt active. I notified thee List, and became inactive. One thing i have always valued about my experience in TOPY is the lack of structure, the trust, and the constant reminders that i bore full responsibility for my magick and my actions. It is this spirit that i am making my entire magickal record availabl e -- in Trust, and bearing full Responsibility.
Sigil One -- October 23, 1994
I cannot find documentation of this sigil -- i only remember that it involved a fantasy of violent sex with a girl i knew.
Sigil Two -- January 23, 1995
"Sigilized tonight for TOPY. Written material had to do with the Nameless fear of heavy hands, and someone lifting my bed. Bled, after summoning the Fearful ones to appear. Very Sharp focus while writing it. Sealed with Sigil.
"Not very exciting, sexually -- fantisized passive anal sex, without much sensation. Finger in the ass didn't turn me on like it has the last couple times. Finally came after sitting up, fantasizing reall rape and aggression, not the safe, mass-market v ersions. A woman being held fast and DAMAGED.
On the sigil is written:
"Here in the cold cold basement there are things that touch me. Here's the smell: sweat, fear-sweat. How could this be happening?
"All the nights of trembling wonder, fumbling with words and hands ... this is different. Yes, i wirled alone in these dark rooms, i remember the records playing backwards, the furniture moving by itself. And here's a secret -- the terror is, is having your hands so heavy, so heavy, you can't move them at all, can't block the blow or punch, can't move and something is lifting the bed up. Lifting the mattress. [small letters:] IS THERE MORE? THIS IS RIGHT.
"Somewhere, yeah. There's more. The terror -- i like it. I still try to spin the room i still feel those hands above and through me on the bed AND THEY ARE MINE.
"OK, you know who you are, and i know you can read ... come when the blood hits the page [repeated, handwriting degenerates into automatic scribbles. A glyph appears.]
"Bound with my cut hair from this morning."
Sigil Three -- February 23, 1995
"So this Dream woman keeps visiting me. I no longer seem to have the ravening, raging rape and pillage dreams -- just now realized that. Violent, yes, but sex is happening in a roughly consensual manner, when it happens. For 3 days before today i've be en celebate, an experiment that usually results in night-time ejaculation.
"This time it was a woman, young, with short black hair, sitting next to me at a bar, gently stroking me as i touched her arm; i tried to hold back, since i thought it might embarrass her that i came, but i came quickly anyway.
"The shift in dream-sex seems to have shifted from pursuer/controller to embarrassment at my arousal. This is consistent with waking feelings. Not only do i feel embarrassed at my arousal because of the committed relationship i'm in, but also because i have the feeling, buried down there somewhere, that my arousal makes people to whom i'm attracted uncomfortable.
Sigil shifts to fantasies about two women i know. The sigil itself has the word "MOTHER" written in blood.
Jounal entry -- February 25, 1995
"Good meeting with about 5 TOPY guys. Wonder what i'm getting myself into. Implicit trust. Wonder if this seed is bound to disperse."
Jounal entry -- March 3, 1995
"Life is really speeding up, all of a sudden. It all seemed like the sigils and ritual I'd been doing all hit me after actually meeting the TOPY folk. Weird."
Jounal entry -- March 5, 1995
"Dream: I am in a car, perhaps driving, trying to escape some people. We hear their voices, think its on the radio, but they're actually right outside the car, and they're inside before we know it, high-jacking us and making us drive. In the backseat i s a dark, long-haired young woman, whom they harass, and a yuppie-looking guy. Somehow we stop, and the child and woman escape safely. It leaves me and a guy (W., of TOPY), who try to ambush them somewhere. "A basement. I hide at the base of the stairs (half way up, actually), and string a chaulk line to trip the enemies up as they charge downstairs. before that, though, out of the right door in the basement (previously unseen) charge a bunch of sexy, naked d young women. They don't stay long. The out of the left-hand door comes a figure in weird polyester pants, moving strangely. It takes me a while to notice he's got an elephant's head, and it's Ganesh. I try to speak to him, but our conversation is no t memorable. I expected him to say some word of advice or help, and he didn't. In the end i just bowed and honored him. "Then the enemies came down the stairs, W. pulled the string taut, and they crashed. "I am whisked away to another place, where i try 3 times to have sex, finally doing it, with a somewhat tubby woman who is very sexual. As i come (wet dream!) i visualize the psychick cross."
Sigil Four -- April 23, 1995
Sigil consists of the words GEBURAH and ILWATH, with a matrix of scrambled letters, a strangely proportioned pcross and red thread.
"Realized a bunch of things while performing this sigil, such as the PAIN-LOVE connection between my Mom and Dad. Yeah. Been ignoring that too long, I guess. Not good or bad, just is. No hiding from it.
"Anyway, my will was to find new ways of trusting my POWER. New ways in which i do not have to stoop or restrain myself. And to find person(s)/thing(s) i can hurt and love without harming either of us, or ... and to find out what i really think and feel about hurting someone/thing i love. ILWATH."
Sigil Five -- May 23, 1995
"Sigilized with TOPY. Began with Gnostic Cross, then just-sat [sazen] for awhile, waiting for some point of focus or turn-on to occur. Got an image of lifting my arms up, pulling them and my head back, then throwing them forward while exhaling. After d oing that for a couple minutes, i discovered i was getting harder and harder. I paused the motion every now and then to stroke myself. Brought myself to the edge of climax 3 times, then came.
"Drew a woman with charcoal before that, though, sitting crosslegged and doing the motion i'd visioned and done.
"Drew psychick cross and Ganesh with blood, attached my hair with spit and leftover come, smudged the drawing with cum and charcoal.
"Kabalistic Cross to end. Feel wildly irritated with [wife]."
Jounal entry -- June 14, 1995
"#2658. I awake in room. I can see my face, though my eyes are closed. Mirror distorts. I power out the words "I want my true name." A woman who doesn't seem very adept fumbles. Finally, she says 2658 (or something). When i question her, she says " not duality, nor communication , but love is the key." I grab her, sexually, and ask her for HER true name, which she interprets as distrust. Finally i go into a crowd of people dancing. I am naked, by choice, even though all the others are closed [cl othed]. I dance in spite of any attention i get."
Sigil Six -- June 23, 1995
"Sigilization: Open with first songs on Winter Was Hard, by Kronos Quartet -- actually picked out Diamanda Galas by accident [?] first, then had to switch tapes. Thought at the time that was a message. Did the Star Ruby. Poured oil on my hands and beg an rubbing and dancing. Changed music to Harry Partch's setting of The Bachannals. Finally switched to the Galas "Swing Low Sweet Chariot.
"Masturbated all through this, moaning and writhing and thinking about H. and the dream i had last night. Came very quickly, TOO quickly, and did not focus on the sigil i'd drawn on the east wall of my temple right after the star ruby, inviting/invoking TOPY now that i owned my temple walls. Shut off music after cum, and before the scary part.
"Did sigil (duplicate of the one on the wall) from black chaulk, blood and cum. Lay back, listened to part of the Resident's Eskimo. Felt something come in, from the east, said "welcome." Didn't sense it after that, though. I lay there thinking about how my attempt to link with the other TOPI had failed, perhaps because it was not really my will to open that door. Finally, it became obvious that FEAR was keep the gate shut, not my lack of desire.
"I got up, played the whole Galas song at a higher volume than ever, and focused on my sigil. I found myself dancing with it, alternately encircling it, which made it expand like a sphincter or iris, and pulling something hard and sticky in long pieces o ut of it. At the end, i turned off the recorder, projected the gate away and prevented its return with the sign of silence, then drew a banishing pentagram over it. Then the gnostic cross, followed by the kabalistic cross.
"During the dancing all my limbs were shaking with fear, intense and deep fear. Multiple layers of fears. I resisted the urge to logic them away, or to banish them, but rather to recognize and accept them. It was difficult."
Jounal entry -- July 5, 1995
"Just before i wake up, i saw a closet with various paraphenalia in it, surmounted by a bust of Jesus with big, buggy eyes. Maybe a TV, too. A voice was going on about how Xtianity had degenerated, especially that the body of Christ (ie. Eucharist) was being contaminated daily. Then i saw a snake with Jesus' head wound around a cross. The snake sort of died, and slid off the cross into my hands, sort of gel or goo-like.
Jounal entry -- July 8, 1995
"Realized while working today that i'd had another dream, disturbing. Somehow i had placed myself in the power/apprenticeship of another, older man, who would handcuff me to the wall, facing the wall. The house was right off a major street, in some town . The first couple of times he did nothing, or something pleasant, but the third time was at least four hours of pain, torture and rape. Worse, he always said it was someone else -- "Mr. Wild" or something like that -- even though it was clear that it w as him, one of his personalities, at least."
Sigil Seven -- July 23, 1995
Listened to the Resident's "God in Three Persons," and processed the difficulty of reconciling my marriage to the anger and desire that were clear from all my writings and workings. In particular, i was having problems with being sexually obsessed with a n old friend, A.
"Second half of the record, jerked off facing sigil with A.'s old necklace around my head, shaking apple-pips in right hand, marriage ring on, and with flower-petal necklace of A's around my cock, came before climax of record, calm. Scattered wedding flo wers onto ov on paper w/ sigil, Power. Distinct will to detach desire-A. from the real A.
Jounal entry -- August 18, 1995
"Uh. OK. The magick worked. [My wife] has approached me with the possibility of having an open marriage, about her desire for other people. Something has been shifting the last couple of days, a nauseating lurch that is spinning me so hard i have to c lose my eyes and try try try to remember where center is. [fear] Fear and avoidance of TOPY, ov my ritual practice. Noises of rats in the basement while i meditate.
"It is hard because there is only the feeling of something coming, but not real soon. Easier to have it out in the open, where i can see it and deal with it. Need to contact [Coyote 131], to stop eating and watching shit. Need to stop avoiding thee Pow er.
Sigil 8 -- October, 1995
"Sigilized tonight -- theme was INTEGRATION (IN RATIO TEN). Fantasized initially about girls in G.'s house, later the nurse i saw at his office today. Near orgasm, nothing at all. Weak cum, though good feeling. Mixed old hair with new, carved convergi ng spirals onto cardboard. Punched hole, tied hair through it. Used tears instead ov spit.
"Integration desired is in all aspects of my life. I now have several different foci, and i've accepted my haphazard way of going about things. But i desire to connect, to integrate these things, to form them into tools a weapons for building and destro ying. I feel the time of assimilation is on the wane, the time for synthesis has come. Made a word-sigil out of all the areas i wished to integrate.
Sigil 9 -- November 23, 1995
"... the sigil is ov a presenting vagina boxed in with a psychick cross over it -- CARCER -- EROS -- looks like a face. I turn up these cards: 10 of clubs, 7 of hearts, King of diamonds, six of hearts. Lustmord as background.
Jounal entry -- January 1, 1996
My wife and i have separated. I have begun Reichian therapy.
Sigil 10 -- January 23, 1996
Drunk. Star ruby avec diamada Galas "Swing Low." Response as womanly, sexy during Mater portion of IO PAN. I rock back and forth from the hips.
"Made love to paper -- kissed like lips, breasts, pussy. M. Lay on back and jerked off holding paper to belly while listening to the rest of the album. Came. On Paper. Bled onto. Looks like a screaming Gorilla face. Vise TOPY ross sans middle, wie das: Strong image of a TOPY Kali. Came with J. blowing me off.
Sigil 11 -- May 23, 1996
"Sigilized. Gnostic Cross, then some pointless cut-ups. Settled on exploring rape/subjugation as per my name (violation adds to 322 in hebrew). Thought about pissing on Bible, but did not. Made sigil out of given name and Kabish (Hebrew word meaning s acrificial ram, adding to 322).
"A return to the first sigil. Imagined violating, cutting, punishing and tying up one of R.'s asian students, then fucking her in the ass. I came very quickly, saying the scrambled words in rhythm. Listened to Diamanda Galas throughout.
"Conscious of myself as a thick, powerful man, construction-worker type."
Sigil contains thee words:
"my name is kabish = LAMB
in me is Desire separated in Duality
the lost houses rejoice,
and Illusion becomes a living power
It is my Will
[pcross, ShBK, Saturn glyph]
Sigil 12 -- June 23, 1996
"Gnostic Cross. Star Ruby. Lit Propane torches, lef tthem at 4 quarters, pointing in. Turned off Crowley face on computer in N -- too bright. Stated Will: to acknowledge and face FEAR.
"Cup. Unicursal hexagram in east. scorpio, water. Fears of draowning, of putting my feet down and there being no end to the water. Almost drowning twice as a child. Being eaten or sucked up by monsters and nameless things under the sea. Adrift, lost . banish, close hexagram. Drop of blood.
"Candle. Unicursal hexagram in South. Leo, fire. Fears of burning. being burned. Feeling burn. Of sadistic people delighting in bruning me. I hear their voices laughing, torturing me. I am screaming (into pillow). Finally becomes too much and i st art choking and gagging. Probably would have puked, but didn't have a large enough vessel to hold it. Banish, close. Drop o blood.
"Bowl with ash. Unicursal Hexagram in west. Taurus - earth. Taurus symbol was visable. Fear unfocused, then got twang of somebody burning me with a propane torch. Must not have banished that one well enough. Went back to south, extinquished candle w ith knife, commanded, "go back where you came from." Called earth again. On ground, grabbing my butthole. "fuckyou fuckyou fuckyou, etc." kept coming out of my mouth. Fears of being burned alive, feeling the cobwebs on my face and the whispering of n ameless evil things that desired to eat me up. Spider. Worms. Ghouls. Had pillow over my faceing, screaming, pleading to be let out. Rest. Drop of blood. Close, banish.
"Feathers. Unicursal in North. Aquarius - air. Fear of not being able to breathe, of flying, of hitting the ground the air is knocked out of me. Of South Dakota, when the wind blew my tent off the mountain. Cold sweat, cold wind. Close, banish, bloo d.
"Star Ruby, douse torches. Gnostic cross, using sage. Lights did not come on afterwards."
Sigil 13 -- July 23, 1996
No documentation. Sigil seems to be gematria, with wax, numbers, scrambled letter, feather, hair, and Ov.
Jounal entry -- November 18 1996
My wife and i are divorced.
Sigil 14 -- December 23, 1996
"Began with 5 minutes of attempted noform, then spent a while doing gematria. Based final sigil on the idea of going from cold, through thaw, into warm. recently i've become aware (and frightened) of how isolated, cold and rigid i am habitually, so this sigil expressed my Will to thaw and warm the Cold areas.
"Hebrew word for cold = summation of (1..43)
Hebrew word for thaw = summation of (1..34)
Hebrew word for Warm = summation of (1..50)+1
43 = to fall sick
34 = to reveal
50 = to ferment or rumble
"I made sigils from these words, bottom to top on the page, with 50=warm on top in red, 43 = cold on bottom in blue, and 34 = thaw connecting them.
"Banished with Star Ruby, Resident's "lights out!" Began oiling and rubbing to "Mark of the Mole," with strong tactile sensations of a woman touching me. Sensations increased when i started kissing Thee Ov Cup (tm) while stroking.
"Came, focused NRG on sigil, passed out. Came to with the line "we are marching to the sea" repeated 3 times. Drew blood, connected the sigils with blood, then formed Pcross. Added hair, ov and spit."
"Feels like a good 'un. Maybe Qaballa was designed to be so damn complex that you consciously forget your original desire."
Sigil 15 -- January 23, 1997
"3 beers and a toke of pot at rehersal. Feel great, loose. Sigil tonight. Began with Misty Mountain Hop, then infect grooves, then chili Peppers. Gnostic Cross, and found more than words there.
: Dance like a fading dream
: launches rhythyms yet unknown
: and everything flows,
: hips and hands
: mouths collapsing in songs and kisses
: moist yearning
: And for a moment i hear the beat, feel it in my body
: that which we feared is now a friend
: a potent friend
: the Lord of Sense declares Omission
: and bellies plagerize the archives of melody
: Tonight i am as much Woman as Man
: kiss me, lover
: it's all here
: We embrace and embody you
: "for love's sake i am divided,"
: ... and in completeness and joy am i joined anew
: And the Sun rises on the back of another crucifiction
: Oh, oh, oh ....
: Here's a secret:
: "What do you call a cyclone that stands still?"
: Coyote 322
"Wrote poetry on sigil paper, cut myself (big) on left shoulder and blotted paper. Music shifts to Coltrane's "Venus." I fantasize sex with M., but i find myself fantasizing her part, as a female. Lots of prostate stimulation, desire to have me inside of me. [?] Went short of anal penetration, came with clitoral/penile stimulation, very fast.
"Visualized Pcross on orgasm. Very, very good, feeling the female part -- never really happened before. Oil everywhere. Didn't want to get up or write this down, wanted to lie there aglow with M., listening.
"Understood structural portions of Venus and Leo (Coltrane) for the first time. Nearly died in a car wreck today."
Journal Entry -- February 2, 1997
"Dream of TOPY. At A.'s house, only he's much happier, less formal than before. His tubby sister is there, wearing blue eyeshadow, and so is J., who's much taller now.
"We eat, and i put way more on my plate than anyone else. I don't manage to finish it, though, and it gets cleaned away. We all tend to talk about magickal stuff, then somebody asks me what the song in Jesus Christ Superstar means "my time/is almost thr ough ...", so i play through it, try to explain. A.
Sigil 16 -- March 23, 1997
"I draw the Knight of Wands -- D3 saggitarius, ill-will, lveity, envy, obstinacy and swiftness in all evil activities.
"Working: full-moon eclipse, just finished. "Lighted" tall candle off of newly regenerated moon, went out as i tried to carry it in. I try again, then place it (lit) on the hair-altar. I also place a razor blade, oil, blowtorches and a bunch of feathe rs on the altar.
"23:00-23:10 -- Quiet breathing, 4 count. I find my legs are trembling.
23:10-23:20 -- more forced breath, with eyes open on inhale, squeezed shut on exhale. Brings the Fear. My face and neck contract into mask-like agony and tautness.
23:20-23:30 -- Gradually begin maving my body from toes on up, putting my full awareness in each part. I nearly cry with relief, and find myself telling my body how sorry i am to have hurt and neglected it.
23:30-23:40 -- Chant Kali mantra with TOPY LUNA (via Topy on tape #2) while smudging and oiling every inch of me with sandalwood/rose/jasmine oil.
23:40-23:50 -- Set up mirror behind moon-candle on altar, light bow-torches and place one on either side. It occurs to me that this is jachin-Boaz, the pillars of severity and mercy, with the candle representing the path of balance. The blowtorch of sev erity??!? :)
"I begin to scry in the mirror while chanting "Namo Kali Ye." My face distorts into the Devil as i hiss, spit and growl it out. Then the "blowtorch of mercy on the right side of the altar fails, but still hisses propane everywhere. And suddenly thee ga te is open, and i am full of longing. For a few seconds i think i can leap into it, but what i see instead is a beautiful young woman who looks like me right next to me in the mirror. We are masterbating and moaning identical words of longing to each ot her. Finally, we allow each other to climax, and i cut myself as i come. No image of focus, except keeping that damn gate open as long as possible.
"Banish (since it's in my housemate's room) with Gnostic Cross, cleanup, burn the Moon candle into nothing. Love, Coyote 322."
Sigil 17 -- April 23, 1997
Intention with this sigil was healing thee tribe, after learning more details of a huge rift that had happened almost a year ago.
Sigil 18 -- May 23, 1997
Intention this month is to move/dissolve/dislodge abdominal tension that i have linked recently with a horrifying terror of my father.
Warmup with Gnostic cross, substituting the Pcross for usual symbol. Music is Dr. L. Subramgarham. (sp?)
Wrote "Father-fear/i it is/who dislodge/you." Not exact, actually, i can't remember the exact wording. Put the paper in an envelope, with some hair.
Flopped forward at the waist, eyes closed, exhaling. Raised up, opening eyes wide, inhaling. Repeated, with intense crying and fear. Catch tears and snot in the envelope.
Slit belly above navel (where i "feel" Him, my fear like a cannonball), masterbate without fantasy or focus. Couldn't come without fantasy, so i imagined sex with M., then L. Came into envelope, chanting, saw sigil upside down on envelope. Sealed with o v, blood and wax.
Sigil 19 -- June 23, 1997
"Sigil. Allergies bad before. 8 minutes sazen. 4 candles -- 4 directions. Smudge everything. Drew yellow chaulk circle around everything turned on music. Gnostic cross with hands only. Faced mirror with Orgone blanket in back, candle below picture of me in fever and as 4 years old to either side. "Between birth and death, innocence and experience.
"Called demon and child. Demon appeared with snarl, scared me. Asked me what i wanted. Said he was here to protect. I told him i wanted to LIVE.
"Ancient one came, and cave man, and anima. Tears and grief ("Mammy!") with anima. Slick one. Lucifer. the beautiful. Monk with shaven head. Short-hair Wulcan. Guard was Klingon. Laughing-in-pain-man, too. Cruelty delights him.
"No Child. Bruned rosemary, and chanted "Everything remembers, and i remember, too." Guard came for first time, and said "I remember YOU."
"One said not to write, the old one said i should, so i do. Cut arm before, "you are flesh of my flesh, blood of my blood." Burned rosemary. I am large. I contain multitudes. Promised to help me. Slick told me, (others too) i had to remember the dar kness and pain.
Journal Entry -- June 25, 1997
"Dream. B and N. unloading equipment for a rehersal at someone's house. Don't like the guy, but he tries to be nice. We are in the backyard, and see a pillar of snow with flies buzzing on it. I immediately think it's a dead body, and start screaming w eirdly.
"Worms, big white worms. Bank of snow collapses in blood and gore, and a woman's body all bloody. Dead, hacked. Now two women, and one moves, to kiss the other. then the gore is gone, two pure white clean naked women standing, they circle-embrace H. a nd C. and N., may kiss. All clean.
"Then it is all blood again, the women are gone, and H. and C. are barfing blood, covered in blood. A woman's voice says "dabble on."
Journal entry -- July, TOPY CAMPOUT, 1997
"Topy campout. We om'ed each other, about 5 minutes of group, then one individual in thee center, being touched and toned. I felt particularly good when i felt everyone pulling me down. Afterwards, i looked around the circle, and thought someone was mi ssing. Counted seven, then realized the missing person was a part of me.
"Discussed thee rites, i expressed my Will to participate.
"Sigil yesternight, as a group. began with breath of fire. I used a piece of my shirt, smashed into the sand with my hand. Little focus. Cut, fantasized about J., found low voice saying "Keeper of the spheres i call you." Some vomit, tears, spittle. Didn't want to get too out there in front of the group, which seemed pretty restrained.
"Yesterday did the Meisner trust exercise with J., and another eye-contact exercise. We yelled and growled and struggled, then made out heavily.
Sigil 20 -- July 1998
"Sigil last night -- spent lots of time barricading my room from B.'s energy (a bipolar housemate). Explored the space and time, and fell almost immediately to the floor. Good feelings, though not very sexual ones. Cutting felt good, and i did a lot of it.
"Call from R. 15 minutes before sigil dispelled a lot of the negative energy and worry about B. Oriented objects around me in a circle: mirror, knife, bell, cup, razor, paper, etc. Burned lots of incense. Candles at E and W, one at S.
"Took thee Head [a full-head mask modeled after a dream vision] for a while as i was walking around, eyes closed. Kept feeling better when my eyes were closed, then realized that the Painted Ancient in my dream HAD NO EYES. thee mask does, though. [i l ater plugged them]
"Wearing thee head made me realize the Ancient is a passive, observational source -- not active. He is thee passive, 3rd person observer, always rational, often wise, having lots of experience. But i have spent too long wearing that mask -- the blind se e far, but they do not build or dance or run -- they can create mostly through speech and song, and their eyes never have to meet anyone they speak or sing to.
"Had unbelievable trouble orgasming. Not very aroused -- only came when fantasizing about C. Felt far away, abstracted and distant, peaceful, afterwards. The story of Pentheus and the Bacchae came on with thee Head and dovetailed a lot during. "I cann ot bear to be mocked."
Sigil 21 -- August 23, 1998
Music: Idiot Flesh, Instagon and Tom Waits' Bone Machine on random skip
Smells: datura leaves and frankincense
Other: Polaroid, blue glitter i found by accident
This sigil dealt with the tri-form of CreationDestructionSustainer -- Brahma-Shiva-Vishnu, YHWH-Satan-Lucifer, etc. Most specifically, it dealt with reminding me that i AM all of these, that my Will is manifesting even when i think i'm miserable and powerless.
Created a sigil Pcross with scrambled letters on 19 of the 23 spaces -- from a list of the most important foci for me right now.
Began without form, "feeling" my way into a Space that was not a Space. A Time that is not a Time. A Time and Space between, before, and after Time and Space. Projected Pcrosses out to the cardinal directions, up and down. Felt like my touch spread these symbols like mold growing in a petri dish ....
Scattered blue glitter all over space and my body, and oiled everything in and out of sight. cut arms and chest (found out later i'm allergic to almond oil!), began masterbating. Unusually strong, unfantasy arousal.
On orgasm, i fumbled around trying to hit the right button, hit it just as i came, and got really startled as i stared at the sigil turning from black and white to multi-colored before my shocked retinas.
Showered, cleaned up and slept beautifully. And this morning i saw a thousand blue glitter stars winking up at me from the floor.
Love, destruction and stability to U,
On the sigil is written:
"I am he whose wings burn in the darkening heat
Carrying the light into darkness
without fear of that which i am doing
The worm carries the Winged One on its back only far enough
Then it is food for the Winged One.
[blood painting of angel-like figure]
These are offerings to thee God i am about to be."
Undated sigil 22:
Pcross in blood, long pointed tail drawn over it.
Undated sigil 23:
Blood, Ov, tears, hairs. The words "I touch," with a pointed tail coming off the word.
Undated sigil 24:
"We are light
Undated sigil 25:
Pcross, triangles, 3 fluids, 2 hair. Glyphs.
Undated sigil 26:
"Thee Chaos Circle
"Outta my fucking way. It will be like THIS. This is my dream. Ready to touch and be touched. Ready to cut and be cut. We are large, we contain multitudes. We walk through heaven and hell, dancing. Songs to fall apart to. Mystery. Hunger. Posses sion. Can you hear the drums? Every performance different. Synthesis/SintheeZis. We burn together. Dance. Pain. Musick. Magick. Community. "I can smell you, you're out there." "I am ready to begin."
Final Sigil --27 -- April 23, 2000, Easter
"Realized about a week ago that my time of being active in Thee Temple is complete. This coincides with many, many completions. Here's what i did.
"Did not expect to have a partner, but my lover, K., offered to assist me. We warmed up with Chris Hyatt's Undoing #2. Aware of a lot of anger and frustration as i kicked. Tension in gut as well. K. noticed her period was coming -- abdominal stress. Post-warmup, during sense-feel phase, K. felt similar to post-yoga feeling -- in corpse pose. All parts of body awake, unblocked. I felt similar, but with awareness of abdominal tension.
"I invoked the spirits of the Lakota grandfathers as the guardians of the four directions as i lit the candles, feeling that neither a Christian-based banishing (Gnostic Cross) nor Thelemic (Star Ruby) was appropriate, for reasons i cannot elaborate. I c alled down Hathor goddess form onto K., who did not vacate or become possessed. She did, however, feel "overshadowed" by thee goddess, and i bowed to Her, giving her the knife.
"K./Hathor banished, starting at the altar, drew earth energy, pushed it W, then N, then E, then S forming circle. Grounded knife into ground, banished extemporaneously.
"I presented myself as i have lived, and presented my Will to assume the full power and responsibility which i know belong to me.
"I cut myself on the arm deeply, then summoned the first of the tempters, Need. I did this by tracing It's sigil in blood on the mirror, and calling it by name. I lost consciousness of most of what happened, but K. observed a shizophrenic separation of identities -- different voices coming out of me and arguing, and my body assuming different forms and contours -- male, female, etc. She felt pulled to be involved, but refocused herself on maintaining a safe circle for the work to continue in. I eventu ally denied the tempter Need, and banished It with the "OK" mudra.
"Then I invoked Jesus, Martyr, Sufferer. He quoted a lot of Bible stuff at me, and strangely, this manifestation scared me the most. I argued, but finally the only thing that worked was quoting part of Crowley's Vision and the Voice, 20th Aethyr. Mixed up the voice on reading it -- sometimes i identified with the Lamb, other times the Lamb was Other than me. I dropped the cross i was holding in my hand, after turning it upside down, and this caused the Hermit card to drop from the self [shelf!] where it was sitting. I denied Christ 3 times.
"Third tempter -- FEAR. Voice said out of me "who are you?" Then i veiled myself, the voice and image in the mirror was female to me. K. maintained distance, and the circle. I Banished the fear, tore the veil off.
"I asked about any other tempters, none came. Held my arms in a circle above my head, saw the man with face paint (but with eyes!) study me, then smile.
"K. smudges me, anoints me. Erection. 10 minutes sazen, difficult not to think about what the rite meant, but successfully held concentration. K. rang bell. As she rang the bell, i realized that i didn't need or want the zodiac part of the ritual.
"K. put thee necklace on me, i faced the mirror, fantasized and masturbated. Fantasies were of coersion and force. Opened eyes at orgasm, hit face into wall, concentrated on He who does not yet have a name. Smeared Ov on mirror, hit three time with th e hilt of dagger, smashed thee mirror. Took off necklace -- hair tangled and cut. Thanked and released Goddess-form, K. Doused candles w. Knife. 9 minute tickle/laughter banishing."
"I am no longer Coyote 322"